Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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