His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hippo gnu deer
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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