My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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