I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
be right there i have to get my cape
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
