if you like me you must not know who I am
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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