we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize