so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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