you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
