I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
