You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
