I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
