I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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