I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
