You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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