I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
