That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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