he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
