Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
