So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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