Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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