I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
