you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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