i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
