I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
