New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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