I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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