You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
