First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
