Your mouth is God's brothel.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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