I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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