Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
