What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
