I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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