i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
