Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
