GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
