One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
tell me about the fingering
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