ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
