i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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