The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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