I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
