i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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