I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
