Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
