I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
