when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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