I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize