went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
