I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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