Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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