If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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