I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
