my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
