I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
