I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
