the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
