soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
