just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
