Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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