Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think my nap took me to another dimension
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Never underestimate the power of titties
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
