If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
